Breaking Down on the Road

If the late Jack Kerouac had written his beat classic "On the Road" about the 2006 Pirates, the book would have been a nonstarter, replete with yawners about a vehicle perpetually stalled by flat tires, blown radiators and worn-out transmissions. In this installement, the Buccos pulled into Denver with the motor seeming to run fine, then threw a rod.

After an all-too-familiar one-run loss on Tuesday (the 17th of the season) and a laughably inept blowout loss on Wednesday (16-9, a score the Rockies counterparts, the Broncos, would be happy with in their rematch with the Steelers next fall -- November 5 at Heinz Field, not that anyone is looking ahead), the Pirates are now an incredible 5-24 away from home. The staggering inepititude of their road work can only be summarized by a cold statistic: they are on course for a record of 14-67 on the road which, if their current record at home (17-14) ran true to form, would leave them with a year-end record of 59-103.

On Tuesday, the Pirates had the staggering Rockies on the ropes after a Jason Bay home run and another by Rob Deer clone Jose Hernandez, who interrupted his regular avoidance of the baseball with a 400-foot shot that put Pittsburgh up 3-0. Paul Maholm pitched in and out of trouble through four, surrendered a run in the fifth and then departed after putting the first three men on in the sixth. That inning ended with the Rockies regaining the lead, at 4-3. Jamie Carroll (more on this mighty mite later) boosted the lead to two with a homer, setting the stage for the usual set piece in which the Pirates got to within one in the ninth. With two out and two on, Humberto Cota sprayed on a coating of Rustoleum (he hadn't played in nine games), worked the count to three-and-two, then fisted a ball over the infield. Score tied? No. Carroll raced back, took a dive, came down with a snow cone and Rockies win.

Wednesday's matinee can be summed up with one name: Oliver Perez. Last week the Buccin' Ear was hailing the return of the Enigmatic One, who had allowed just four runs in 20 innings. After surrendering nine runs in two innings today (and 14 in his last five innings), Perez is 2-7 with an ERA that is, as the Byrds might say, higher than I've ever been before, at 7.18. Whether Perez's problems are mental, physical, or both, it is clearly time to reopen the topic of his status on the staff, and it says here he needs a trip to the minors to figure himself out or let someone else try to do it. He may have until Kip Wells, scheduled for a rehabilitation assignment this week, returns to salavage his spot in the rotation, and incredible development given what was thought to be his breakthrough season in 2004.

As the Pirates depart Denver for San Francisco, the Buccin' Ear extends a tip of the hat to the aforementioned Jamie Carroll, a supposed "utility" player who, like the Bucs' Freddie Sanchez, is actually better than the players he supposedly backs up (at second, short and third). As noted, he saved the game Tuesday, during which he contributed another highlight reel play on a pop foul off the bat of Jose Bautista. First baseman Todd Helton, racing down the line with his back to the diamond, was able only to tip the ball. However, Carroll, also in pursuit, and with a better angle, alertly grabbed the ball out of the air for the out. Oh, and he went eight-for-ten over the two games, with a homer, two RBIs and four runs scored. He runs the bases, fields his positon, works the count and would probably sell peanuts between innings if he was asked to do so. He makes the Buccin' Ear's All Gamer Team.

So it's off to San Francisco, where the Pirates are apt to leave their heart, their bats, their gloves and a good portion of their rickety '06 touring car.