Hook, Line and Stinker

It's 4:10 p.m. Eastern time. Do you know where your Buccos are?

Answer: floating face down in the Atlantic Ocean, comatose once again from another Lost Weekend in which they drank deeply from the dregs of defeat and despair.

After a surprise win in Miami Thursday to open a four-game set with the Florida Marlins, the Pirates put their bats away Friday and Saturday, mustering a grand total of one run in losing 4-1 and 5-0. Today's matchup was unpromising, with Dontrelle Willis starting for Florida and the disappointing Tom Gorzelanny going for the Bucs. Gorzo was fresh off a ghastly performance Tuesday against the Rockies, but he bounced back today with what was easily his best outing of the year. He departed after six innings with a 3-2 lead, which Matt Capps quickly coughed up, yielding a two-spot to the Fish. The Pirates tied it in the ninth when Joe Randa doubled home a run. However, they had a chance to win it, but sent Senor Strikeout, Jose Hernandez, to the plate with two out. No sense in relating what happened.

No matter. Mike Gonzales gave up the game-winner in the bottom of the ninth anyway, surrendering a run-scoring single to Dan Uggla with one out. Gonzo has made a habit of high-wire acts in pressure situations all year, and this time he got burned. Fact is, though, the game was lost, as it was throughout the series, at the plate, where the Pirates stranded 12, including seven in scoring position. Randa, Jason Bay and Craig Wilson stranded a collective 18. The team scored a pitiful 10 runs in four games, thereby almost completely negating a rare decent series on the mound for the starters. Only Kip Wells turned in a marginal performance, although by his standards it was a semi-gem (three runs in 5 2/3 innings). Of course, the Marlins' starters on Friday and Saturday were flat-out better than anything the Pirates had to offer.

Speaking of (Bottom of the) Wells, he's 0-5 after Saturday's loss, has lost 18 of his last 21 decisions, and is 8-23 since the opening of the 2005 season. Some trade bait, huh?

The Kipster's mediocre effort last night lowered his ERA to about 8-and-a-quarter. So given all of that, perhaps he can be excused for his post-game emphasis on his ability to "stay out of the big inning" and his complaint that he felt wet during the entire game. Hey, pal, you don't pitch so good when you're dry, either.

Wells also got no help from his defense, notably center fielder Jose Bautista, who misplayed a fly ball that cost a run for Wells, and another in the eighth that resulted in two more for the Marlins.

But none of it mattered, as the Pirates were completely baffled by rookie Ricky Nolasco, who threw 7 1/3 scoreless innings before the Florida bullpen effortlessly shut down the Bucs, who, as Wells might say, were all wet.

Do you know where your Buccos are? Exactly where they were coming out of the All-Star break: 30 games under .500 and ready to resume their award-winning performance as the Putrid Patsies of Piratedom on the road.

The 1985 watch: the 2006 Pirates (35-65/.350) must go 23-39 (.374) the rest of the way to better the fifth-worst record in team history. Put on your rally caps.